Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread