Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
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*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died