As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!