[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
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Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Anyone want a chair?
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy