What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
You Might Also Like
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”