Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
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If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
just having fun
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary