DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
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Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.