[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
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Jurassic park gets weird
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.