I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
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mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
5 ways to appear taller
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.