Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
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Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
She: I like Cats
He:
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.