My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
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we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
we all know this pain all too well
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
💁🏻♂️
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.