Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
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whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?