Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
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Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
This sounds bad:
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Why are bridges so flammable.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy