I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
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I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
When you kidnap a writer.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.