Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
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First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this