I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
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Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
This is a whole mood;
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.