“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
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Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount