My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
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I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk