The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
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Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.