[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
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The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Some people were born into their job.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”