So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
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[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly