People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.