*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
You Might Also Like
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]