I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
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DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
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I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF