Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
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My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.