Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.