FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
😅🤣😂
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is