Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
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She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Bobby pin
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Strangers have the best candy.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera