I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
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It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
This might be the funniest tweet ever
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”