Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
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Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
New Tinder profile.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
tourist season
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.