Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
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[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?