I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
no one likes gloating
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT