Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
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I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops