Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
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i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.