[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
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Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Real House Wines.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.