my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets