[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
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Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
the short answer to this question
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this