Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
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My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.