That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.