I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
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I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Cheers Twitter.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
SPLOOT
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?