I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
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“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…