I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
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I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Happy Thanksgiving
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
😂😂😂