IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
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[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Best spoiler warning ever
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit