Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.