Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
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Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
“Theirye’re” problem solved
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me