Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
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My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?