[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
You Might Also Like
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Current mood: Potato
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything