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I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.