If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
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first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400