I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
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My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.